Pedestrians

Sometimes I wonder if pedestrians feel sad when they see me driving my car with a bicycle in back that I'm clearly not using. Then I remember that they are pedestrians and their feelings don't matter. Hurrah!

Sapped

If you keep scaring him like that, he's going to sap himself, and you won't be able to walk away. Joke's on you, asshole!

Triple-A Triple-Tow

If using all three of my AAA Emergency tows at once to get triple-towed is wrong, I don't want to be right.

(Princesses ride in back.)

How to Mimic the Texture of a Canteloupe

You see here, BAXTER, you're supposed to be careful to add the right texture. I'm beginning to think our model of the solar system will never appear to be comically composed of delicious tropical delicacies that might sway the hearts, minds and stomachs of those cantankerous old judges! It'll be third prize for us again...

Dutch

Look me in the eye and tell me that those pointy, overly wide shoes don't give you nightmares! And besides, look at that guy's calves... people with uneven calves are pretty much just waiting for you to turn around so they can shank you real good. I'm not lying. Ever.

Stupid Regular Twin

Next year, we're gettin surgery or something. We gotta conjoin our shit.

Disco Whale

Hope you Scotch-Guarded your armor, there, Sparky, because if you're swimming into the sunset from Wales, the Scots may very well getcha!