One Smart Pup

If dogs had longer attention spans they could win all the quiz bowls, but then we'd have to change the prizes to be dog treats, belly rubs and walks, so it's not like they would have any real competition anyway. It's basically an infinite loop of a quandry.

First Love

I am pretty sure I know what every boy's first love is. And you know what they say, "If you try to kill her off, you'll only kill yourself off."

From the "Many Uses of Harps" Series

The best thing about having a harp is that you have somewhere to put your giant oven mit that you have to keep around in case you need to bake a giant pie to stop the giants from killing everyone. Some day, it will happen, and the neighbors and the nay-sayers and the symphony orchestra will be sad that they did not get the last laugh like you did.

Boogie Man's Popularity is All Boogied Out

After enjoying a brief period of popularity in the 70's, the Boogie man fell into a deep depression when even fearless astronauts were too scared to face him.

Pedestrians

Sometimes I wonder if pedestrians feel sad when they see me driving my car with a bicycle in back that I'm clearly not using. Then I remember that they are pedestrians and their feelings don't matter. Hurrah!

Sapped

If you keep scaring him like that, he's going to sap himself, and you won't be able to walk away. Joke's on you, asshole!

Triple-A Triple-Tow

If using all three of my AAA Emergency tows at once to get triple-towed is wrong, I don't want to be right.

(Princesses ride in back.)